More thoughts on Robb's thoughts

I still finding myself contemplating Robb's last post, and maybe I'm just in a pissy mood today, but it's really starting to sound like bad advice. Allow me to elaborate...

On the surface, it sounds great - after all, here's a guy who learned the hard way what not to do, or what to do more of, to make a marriage work. So on that level it sounds like helpful advice for guys to follow so that they don't end up in a similar situation. That's all well and good, and I do sincerely appreciate his insight on what you think might have made your marriage turn out better.

First, Robb says that a lot of married guys tell him they would like to be in his shoes. What's wrong with their own shoes? I've seen Robb's shoes, and I wouldn't want to be in them - they're two sizes too big, and to be honest, they kind of smell. I just don't see why people would want any of that. But you know what they say about guys with big shoes - big socks.

Then he goes on to say that we married guys need to meet our wive's emotional needs. Here's the basic problem with that advice: we have no idea how to figure out the complex psychological Rubic's cube that is female emotion. How can we? Women have all those funky hormones floating around their bodies that we don't. So the only way us guys could truly understand women's emotions is to start getting estrogen shots or something. But doesn't that make men grow breasts? I fail to see how bringing another set of boobs into the house is going to help anything - for starters, we'd get yelled at for checking out our own tits all the time, and what happens if our boobs get bigger than our wives? We'd never hear the end of that one...

Next, he says that we need to be a 50/50 partner. Now, short of becoming hermaphrodites, how exactly are we supposed to do that? If I'm at work from 6 AM to 5 PM, how am I supposed to change 50% of my son's diapers? The only way I could do 50% of the housework would be for me to quit my job. Then we'd lose the house and be living in a van down by the river. I'm pretty sure that's not going to put too many women in the mood.

Robb's next of pearl of wisdom is that every once in a while, us manfolk need to let our wives "just be a woman once in a while." First off, I didn't know I had the option to let my wife be anything other than a woman - if I did, I'd let her be a gay guy that really loves giving head...but only a few days a month, so people don't get the wrong idea. Then he says that "for a little time here and there she needs to not be mom or wife, just a woman" - now this is a good idea, because every woman deserves to get a break from being a mom, and from being a wife, and get the chance to just be a woman who actually wants to have sex.

Honesty is the next approach Robb suggest we take. We should be honest and tell our wife how we feel. If she doesn't hear or understand us, we're supposed to tell her again. This will build up trust, which is supposed to be the backbone of a successful marriage (remember, this is coming from the divorced guy!). Here's how this would work in real life:

• Man: Honey, I need to be honest with you. I feel like we're drifting apart, and a big part of that is because there doesn't seem to be any intimacy in our relationship. I don't feel like you want to share a physical connection with me anymore, and it's making me very sad.
• Woman: Shhh, I'm watching Trading Spaces!
• Man: No, this is serious - I need to be honest with you about how I'm feeling so we can build some trust and try to heal this split that I feel is growing between us.
• Woman: I said shut up! This is the one where Hildi covers all the walls with feathers!
• Man: You mean you've already seen this episode and you still don't want to talk to me?
• Woman: See, I would so go on this show but knowing my luck I'd get Hildi. Or Doug.
• Man: You have got to be fucking kidding me.
• Woman: No I'm serious! I would totally get Hildi. I guess if we let her do one of the kid's rooms we could just re-do it if we hated it.
• Man: Trust me when I say this, I have had it. I am going to start fucking other women.
• Woman: Speaking of other women, you know who I would like to have? Laurie. Or maybe Genevieve.
• Man: I am going to throw Genevieve up against that wall and fuck her until she has feathers coming out of her ass like Daffy Duck.
• Woman: Oh, speaking of cartoons, wait till I show you the new Looney Tunes sticker book your daughter got today.
• Man: (muttering to himself) Last time I listen to that single-dad, no-wife having mutherfucker...
  

Finally, Robb suggests focusing on physical intimacy. Things like holding hands, rubbing her shoulders or back, cracking her knuckles, that kind of thing. This is supposed to result in my wife becoming a "firecracker in the bedroom" Doesn't that sound a little dangerous? I mean think about it - I don't want my wife to be explosive and violent in the bedroom...that sounds painful and might even damage my sensitive parts! So if I follow Robb's advice and give my wife a few more hugs and massages she might blow my dick off? No thank you!

So after reading Robb's advice, I can only conclude that he doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. When it comes to giving useful advice to married men, he just doesn't have good ideas like I do...